January 25, 2006

Will the deffendant stand up???

- How did you plead yourself on the charge for "Drink and dial" on the morning of January 21?
- Guilty your honor.
- And in the charges of robbery on that same morning?
- ..... Guilty *shame on me*
- Let's start the session... this is the people against Patz!!!

The defendant can present her case:
On the night of Friday January 20 after a hard day at work, I went for a drink and some healthy and innocent entertainment. After all your honor, didn't we all need a little break?

The little break lasted more than expected and all public transportation was not working anymore. A person of limited availability of money like me, can not really afford a Taxi ride at night in this city... well, actually not in this continent. But, tired as I was, and under the influence of some alcoholic beverages (which are not a good companion for tiredness and not much food) I started my walk back home at around 3:00 of the morning of Saturday January 21.

A monster, which is almost part of me, start calling on the back of my head. My hearth start beating faster and the urge was building up inside of me. I couldn't help it your honor... the monster with all it's tongues and eyes was forcing me to do different of what I have learned in all this years..... so I took the Phone *desperate tears start falling down my cheeks*... and yes your honor... I dialed!!!!! *the crying is hearable all over the room now....... kleenex does it's job*. I did it....

I dialed and called the monster itself while the cold was making its job together with the alcoholic beverages inside of me. Again, not a good combination!. I wouldn't lie to you or to the People who now charge me, with all the right now..... I did it.... and I'm not proud.

This monster, your honor, has this power over my hearth. And my hearth needed it's so called medicine just by feeling it closer at least for a minute. Yes, I was drunk and cold.... and missing my big and scary monster!!!! And this your honor, was the beginning of the other crime for which I'm being charged today.

After the connection was lost (even after my several attempts to re establish it) I continued my very limited and not really continuos walk towards my home. As you might understand your honor, fashion goes always before comfort even in the coldest of occasions....

May I take this opportunity to say you look marvelous with that robe???, and your hair.. who is your stylist??? *chattering among the crowd* would you mind sharing his number... you look just gorgeous!!!

As I was saying, I was indeed cold... and I had a long walk towards me. I was wearing my very sexy "fuck me in brown" boots.

-Yes??...... yes you honor... That's the name of this particular boots which I'm showing now as exhibit A for the record.

- Exhibit A must go for the record as the Fuck me in brown boots. You can continue!

The night was extremely cold and I was trying to cover the 2 kilometers ahead of me. 2 Kilometers in, as you can see: very thin, high and pointy heels that might do good for fashion but do nothing but harm to a woman's feet. I did my best your honor, I walked and walked... and walked. But It was almost like a never ending road.

I got out from the park, trough the one I was originally walking, just to protect the people who was as afraid of me as I was of them. I started walking then by the normal road who happens to be full of bicycles as it is a very common tool of transportation on this city.

Just as a joke, the taller and better part of me (for which I plead the right of not giving details to protect his/her identity), mentioned that some bicycles are left unlocked on the roads.... people just park them and goes to sleep. This remark your honor, gave me a sense of brotherhood from the citizen which are willing to jeopardize their personal comfort on behalf of people in need, with cold, under the influence of alcoholic beverages, not very well fed... and surrendered to fashion...

This citizens.. where giving ME a way to get home your honor. They were helping ME to be part of the community just with a single decision taken randomly in the middle of this lonely road....

But how could I go against all my principles... how could I confront this disappointment with the world in front of me??? How would I walk freely knowing that I'm a criminal???

The tiredness and the drukness played a big role in this decision.... but the one who made the move was actually the incredible cold that was sent from heavens as a signal of approval.....

There it was... the unlocked bicycle almost glowing in the road.

There I was *sob* tired, drunk and almost frozen.

I understand that now the people wants to make me pay for my crimes, but the part that follows is actually what gives a real turn to the story.

Here I would like to introduce To you all Exhibit B, which consists on a set of pictures of the vehicle of transportation mentioned on the past:

It's the green one

Not the pink one!!!

Just look at the handle your honor!!!!

As you can see on exhibit B, the vehicle was not in very good conditions. Certain gadgets, which are actually mandatory according to the local laws, where not included. And I'm not even talking about things like lights, a bell or even reflector lights. I'm actually talking about brakes. As you can see, the bicycle was in a certain state in which it can only covers the most basic and primitive needs of it's user.

Being completely out of practice on the use of this vehicle and bringing back to your attention that I was still wearing Exhibit A (no your honor, I will not mention the f word again), I was still freezing and I was actually using a pretty big handbag.... again Fashion wins over comfort, the correct usage of the vehicle was for a lack of a better word... pathetic!

I risked my safety and the one of those who dared to dive in their fancy air-conditioned equipped fucking *ehem* cars just next to me while I was struggling to maneuver the transportation vehicle which, by this moment, was mine. Sorry for the slip of the tongue your honor.

This society, this weather, this way of working leaded me to this horrible crime!!!

Nevertheless, I will like to state that there are 2 thing which might change your conception on the events of the early morning of January 21st.

1.- The transportation vehicle was not really stolen. A 50 euro cents coin was left on the place where the vehicle was originally parked as a way of payment. You honor, if you look at the pictures, you will agree with me on the fact that I should actually go back for the change.... 50 euro cents is a fortune to pay for that!!!

2.- The location of the vehicle is currently unknown due to the fact that I was robbed as well. I'm not claiming anything back from society, the citizens or the local government... all I want is my freedom!!

That's all I have to say. I will like to thank you for letting me expose my case on details and now I will humbly await for the desicion of the Jury... the people....

I'm dying to know the verdict!! I respect your opinion and will take responsibility for my actions... just tell me. Guilty or not Guilty???

11 comment:

At January 26, 2006 11:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


People of the jury. I want to pleed for not guilty due mental conditions.

As we all know, the freezing cold will thicken your blood and therefor stop a normal an warm blood supply to a persons brain. In this case, eventhough the amount of alcohol involved, the cold shut down her resonable part of the brain.

Not guilty, due mental reasons.

Society failed, law clearly states that when a traveler in need should be taken care of; we left her to freeze and we failed to help a girl in need!

At January 26, 2006 11:42 AM, Anonymous Suus said...


It's something like "what goes around, comes around" in reverse order. Dutch law decided it should be taken by the next person in need, so the sentence has already been taken.

Which feeling is worse: the guilt of a criminal or the the theft of something you're connected with?

At January 26, 2006 11:49 AM, Blogger Patz said...

mmmm SUUUUS You got me in that one!! I do have to think twice, both where hard to handle and completely new for me.

Let's make it a tie!

At January 26, 2006 12:29 PM, Anonymous Seb said...

Anyone who has been a student in the Netherlands knows that this is not a crime!

Is the secret underground borrow-a-student-bike-system! Students leaving bikes unlocked out of solidarity for others.
And Patricia made use of and contributed perfectly to this system. By taking the bike, using it for the appropriate service and subsequently leaving it unlocked for someone else to use it.

No worries Patz, you're clear in my book. Good old Dutch "gedoog beleid" ;)
Just too bad I'm not exactly a judge with authority.

I know one thing though, if this is a crime, I'm a serial criminal... ;)

(sorry not exactly a Spanglish but more a Engdutch contribution here)

At January 26, 2006 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are sorry to say that some elements are missing in order to judge this case. As a part of the jury, we request for the defense to place a picture of the "fuck me in brown boots", not only because they are an important factor of judgement, but also due to a weird "foot fetish" that unfortunately the Helados de Salcedo are victims of. (Léase Pancho, Pelos y el Megagrupero). We thank in advance to the defense for her kind understanding.

Ya sé que es el post más trivial y menos profundo de todos pero me pareció buena idea el poner un toque light a tanta legislación y derecho. ;) Enjoy Europe my dear friend!!!

At January 26, 2006 6:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just Guilty for your "fuck me in brown boots",

At January 27, 2006 9:10 AM, Blogger Edipa said...

a mi me parece un metodo extraordinario.

me ha encantado leerte amiga...

At January 27, 2006 11:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just realice that this bike is a fashion crime!
How dare you?

At January 27, 2006 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The crime of Drink-and-dial is only punishable when the aforementioned offence is perpetrated by violating the rights of privacy, self-absorbment, auto-exile or pure rejection of a former sexual/romantic partner. Thus, the evidence of the prosecution is unsubstantial and it does not constitute grounds for formal accusation. I thus hereby request that the count of Drink-and-dial be left out of this trial and settled by an amicable retribution of any and all expenses made by the defendant in her own name or in those of the witnesses or accessories.
Regarding the count of theft, your honour, I must request the court to lift all charges, due to the attenuating circumstances, which are, in no particular order: 1. the weather conditions at the crime scene, which in conjunction with large amounts of alcohol or any legal substance that may or may not have been consumed by the defendant, made it difficult to apply careful judgement. 2. the local traditions of leaving human-traction vehicles unattended and unlocked; and 3. dutch laws, which may be ambiguous, strange and extreme for foreign persons, and whose flexibility towards actions and events which may constitute serious violations abroad limit the understanding of the entire legal code for alien users.
Besides, freezing, foot pain and boot destruction are more than enough punishments. I rest my case.
Si sabe quien soy, cierto?

At January 27, 2006 4:44 PM, Anonymous Nao said...

Te felicito... a mi nunca se me hubiera ocurrido aunque creo que debiste haber tomado la rosada, se veia mas hecho m..... ah y comprate un par de "fuck me when I get home cause right now I need a pair of confortable shoes" tipo de botas por favor.... ahora eres europea y ni me discutas al respecto por favor.


At February 02, 2006 7:33 AM, Blogger Yuri said...



Although I completely agree with the fact that unlocked bikes which are being 'used' or 'borrowed' by half a city (also Eindhoven, f*ck you I am from Eindhoven!) are inviting to be taken, especially if you have a (good) reason to stop walking on boots (which may be made for walkin', like the song..).
This does not mean that I never 'took' a bike. The most famous bike I 'took' together with your husband, many many years ago. With this bike, which I re-painted gold, I had 3 accidents. That's when I decided to 'give' the bike back to any person who wanted it. In other words I gave the bike back his freedom and made him a unlocked bike again. And so occurred.
But in the end you are nothing else than a ordinary "bike thief". So, I can say "gib mir mein fahrrad zurück" (you might need some help and some aged background information from a Dutchman to get this one).



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